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Put Yourself in the Path

May 29, 2024 Nancy Carroll

Bill reserved a hotel room for April 7 in Fort Smith, Arkansas almost a year ago. Eight hours away. Because it was on the edge of The Path of Totality.

I wondered if that was a famous rock band.

No. It’s the last full solar eclipse in the United States until 2045. Hotels closer to us in “The Path” had already sold out. As a photographer, Bill started buying special filters, borrowing cameras and tripods, and researching f-stops and time lapses.

I wondered what there was to do and eat in Fort Smith.

We don’t usually plan anything that far in advance. But when you reach our age, if you’re going to do something, you can’t wait until the “next time,” especially if it’s 21 years away. I was glad Bill researched so I could just go along for the ride wearing an awkward shoulder wedge sling after shattering my shoulder.

Would 16 hours on the road, wounded and weary, be worth it?

People tried to describe the difference between being in a partial and total eclipse. Annie Dillard wrote, “Seeing a partial eclipse bears about the same relation to seeing a total eclipse as kissing a man does to marrying him, or as flying in an airplane does to falling out of an airplane.”

I tried to stay open-minded.

On our way, we found a room in Little Rock. It cut off two hours of our drive. Other people on the hotel elevator whispered to us, “Are you here for the eclipse, too?”

So, maybe it really was a thing.

Bill figured out the best places in the area to see the eclipse. Two key factors: a wide view of the sky and access to bathrooms. The next morning, in a quiet park on the Arkansas River, Bill set up three cameras on tripods. At 9:30 a.m. there was one other car. The eclipse would begin about 12:30 p.m. and hit totality at 1:52 p.m.

By 1:30 p.m. it looked like a low-key SEC tailgate party.

Almost every parking space was filled. People set out camp chairs, cranked up music, and passed around snacks. Kids played tag. Parents scrolled on their phones. 

Bill handed me mylar eclipse sunglasses (much better than the flimsy paper ones below). I put them on. The world went dark. I could see nothing except the sun. At 12:30 p.m. I noticed the slightest dent on the lower right side of the full circle of the sun. By 1 p.m. it looked like a pitted olive. At 1:30 p.m., a crescent moon. By 1:40, the sun looked like a thin toenail clipping.

But as I took off my glasses and looked around the park, everything appeared the same. The sun was that strong. If I didn’t know what was happening, I’d wonder why people were looking up at the sky in those weird glasses.

But then, at about 1:50, with more than 97 percent of the sun blocked, the light changed. It was like looking into a fish tank with an eerie green-gray thick algae glow. The street lamps popped on. The air cooled. The birds settled. The crickets chirped. The sky turned deep indigo blue. Cheers, gasps, and claps erupted in ripples up and down the riverbank. I took off my glasses, looked up, and nearly dropped to my knees.

My eyes welled with tears.

The moon won, sliding over the sun, and locking a lid on it. Then in a few seconds, I saw the perfect circle halo glow. Almost as quickly, the sun glinted out the other side, like a glittering diamond ring.

I looked around. Sunset glowed along the edges of every horizon. Burnt orange flames along the edges of the world with the rest of the sky a deepening cobalt blue bowl with a pulsating white ring at the top. (Here's a Facebook link to an image from Brandon Bodendorfer who recorded the 360-degree sunset.)

The drama only lasted 2.5 minutes.

Then the lights flipped back on. Street lamps turned off. Birds flew. Some people stood in a daze. Most started packing up. A woman next to us looked at her watch.

“We’d better go. The restaurants will be packed.”

All eclipse photos by Bill Carroll

We kept watching through our eclipse glasses as the moon slid off the sun for the next 45 minutes with the same half-moon shapes in the opposite direction. Then we packed the gear and drove home through hours of eclipse traffic all converging on the bridge over the Mississippi River in Memphis.

Had it been real?
 
We had the photos to prove it. If not, even though I had been there, I may have doubted it. My too-distracted life with its all-important to-do’s may have tried to check it off or box it in. I’m glad we made it an “event,” and we let ourselves pause and experience it.
 
It was worth it.
 
But it made me think. What other holy moments have I missed or dismissed?  How can I let myself be awed by our supernatural universe? There’s not much time left to put myself in the path of wonder. Maybe I need to create an "awe-some" app to schedule and record those moments, especially the simple ones close by. Take wonder walks with my macro-lens camera. Clap at sunsets. Breathe in fresh basil. Relish every bite of warm chocolate chip cookies. Listen to baby giggles. Play with golden retrievers.

Don't wait until the next time. 
 
When have you experienced a moment of awe or wonder that took your breath away or changed you? How will you put yourself in the path?

In Courage, Creativity, Soul Care, Story, Uncategorized Tags Path of Totality, total solar eclipse, eclipse, adventure, awe, wonder, Little Rock, nancywcarroll, wow
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Beauty Refreshers: Writer, Photographer, Gardener, "Noticer" Erin Nolen

May 29, 2024 Nancy Carroll

Erin Nolen s one of the most intentional women I know. She's a wonderful photographer, writer, gardener, and "namer."  But she is also a wife, mother, and friend who's done lots of internal work to be present with and see and advocate for her kids and others. I asked Erin this question: 

What good do you want to bring to the world? 

I want to accompany people on the paradoxical path that going toward our stories of pain is actually the way to experiencing wholeness as beloved humans. I want to teach, show, and embody what it means, in the words of Dr. Hillary McBride, to “go toward what hurts.” In a culture that shouts at us to do more, produce more, experience more, I want to foster a community where we are safe to embrace our limits as fragile but intentionally complex image bearers of the living, moving, playful God. I believe our basic needs of safety, sleep, nourishment, play, time in nature, service, and connection are necessary foundations of what it means to live a beautiful and full life. Simply put, embracing our limitations and needs is the way toward expansiveness. I believe in the power of story work, that a good, kind, creative God pursues God’s people (all of them) and calls them (all of them) toward goodness and wholeness, and that we can know God more fully by honoring the brokenness and beauty in our one-of-a-kind stories. God calls forth goodness in me to offer to others through the means of writing, photography, gardening, and friendship. 

You can read Erin's essays here and follow her on Instagram and if you want family photos, she's your person. 

In Beauty Refresher, Creativity Tags Beauty Refresher, Erin Nolen, Photographer, Gardener, Noticer, Writer
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Ruminating on Ruminating

May 29, 2024 Nancy Carroll

I learned a new word. 

Perseverate. 
 
To repeat something insistently or redundantly. To get stuck, to ruminate, to loop back over and over. And over.
 
As in, “My 91-year-old mother perseverated.” 
 
My mom passed away a year ago. But I’m still haunted by echoes of her three looping ruminations. And my robotic responses. 
 
“I’m going blind.” 
 
“I’m so sorry you have blurry vision, Mom. But all your eye sub-specialists have told us you have one healthy eye and you’re not going blind. No matter what, we will take care of you.”
 
“I guess I’ll eat that and get fat. I used to watch my weight, but I just don’t care anymore.”
 
“Mom, remember the doctor ordered you to gain weight because you were way too thin and it was bad for your health and brain. You’re still so tiny but I’m glad you’re healthier.”
 
“It is hell getting old. Why doesn’t God just take me now?”
 
“I’m sorry, Mom. I know it’s hard, but we’re glad you’re here with us.”
 
It’s like a broken record in an alternate universe. When you say this, I say this. 
 
Over and over and over again. 

Those perseverations crushed me. There was nothing I could do to help her. 
 
It makes me wonder what I will perseverate about in a few years. 
 
It’s in my DNA. I too deal with doubts, cynicism, negative self-image, and fears for my health, family, and aging. My unfiltered ruminations will be filled with apologies and worries. 
 
“I am so sorry for taking all your time and causing you all this trouble.”
“Are you okay? Have I made you angry?”
“How are my kids? Are they safe?”
 
I had lots of time to observe the different personalities in Mom's retirement village. Everybody has customized ruts. I’m trying to re-groove my brain now so when it inevitably falls into ruts, they will be these: 
 
Gratitude 
To rearrange my DNA of gloom and doom, I keep a daily gratitude journal and snap iPhone photos of small happies. I try to express thanks in concrete ways to people around me. I say “I love you” whenever I can (a tiny bit less enthusiastically than Buddy the Elf). I picture myself in the nursing home with the staff saying, “Watch out, here comes the hugger.”
 
Wonder 
I fear bitterness more than blindness. Even as my eyesight fails, I want to live in wonder. To pay attention, clap at all the small, beautiful details in creation, and embed the truth of God’s steadfast love deep in my soul. as I face the unavoidable suffering, The nursing home staff will roll their eyes and point at me, “There’s that crazy lady clapping at a caterpillar again.” 
 
Compassionate Curiosity
I want to know people’s stories, not to be intrusive, but to understand and connect. I want to keep asking “after them,” and find ways to affirm them. The folks caring for me will be disappointed if I don’t ask, “How can I pray for you?” 
 
JESUS
I want to end up like the joke about the Sunday School answer. It’s always Jesus. I have been around old saints who weep as they whisper the name of Jesus. O Lord, help me to love you more and more. 
 
Ruminating and perseverating about Jesus? That gives me hope as I age. Because each day it means I'm one day closer to home.
 
And I too will be saying, “O Lord, take me now!”
 
Many of you also care for aging parents or perseverating “loopers.” It’s hard. Maybe like me, it surfaces all sorts of fears of what it will be like when you reach that stage. May God be with you. 
 
If it’s inevitable that we will end up in a rut of rumination, what do you want to ruminate on?

In Community, Confessions, Courage, Story, Laughing at the Future, Uncategorized Tags Mary Jo Hoffman, Ruminations, nancywcarroll, Perseverate, aging parents, wonder, gratitude, compassionate curiosity, looping
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Beauty Refresher: Beth Smith, Potter

February 29, 2024 Nancy Carroll

Beth Smith of Mudtown Pottery makes some of the most touchable, whimsical pottery. I asked her how she was drawn to pottery as an art form and what she wants to give to the world through it.

I remember distinctly my first pottery class (January 2017 at Birmingham Museum of Art) because it was way out of my comfort zone. I went by myself. It felt uncomfortable but also freed me to explore this craft uninhibited. I began this creative process in a depression. My children were finding their place in the world and my dear Danny had just lost his job of 31 years. I felt afraid of the future and unsure of how (and who) I was supposed to be in these new circumstances. I knew I needed to find a positive outlet and, while I did try a few other mediums, once I got my hands in the clay, I knew I had found it. I immediately signed up for a more intensive course at Cahaba Clay. I connected with my pottery teacher who was my children’s age and needed some “mother love” as she was away from home and trying to figure out life ( I was, too!), I found a heart friend in my class that has been a strong influence in my life to this day, I was able to focus on my creativity and the process of the craft and that really helped lift me out of my darkness. For reasons I can’t explain, I had an early vision of what I wanted to do with this interest and before I knew it, I had transformed our basement to my studio and equipped it with several wheels, thanks to my dad and Danny coming alongside and funding so much of the upfront costs. I am self-taught. Most of what I know I’ve learned by doing it wrong and making a great mess, but I have never been so discouraged that I wanted to quit.  

Pottery is an ancient craft. Because of that, most potters feel like they are picking up where others have already gone. There is very little that is “new under the sun.” There has been a lot of openness on technique and process from older, more experienced, ceramicists. I have the impression that the craft is what matters, not any one individual.

I have always been drawn to pottery because it feels like each piece has a story to tell. Recognizing that other hands have held, formed, painted, fired, sanded, and loved a vessel that I now cradle in my own hands feels like human connection to me, especially during this time in history where we are losing human connection in so many ways. As I make a pot, I imagine whose hands will hold this? Will they put flowers from their yard in this vase? How will they cook with this piece? I want to put that feeling in the world—that someone loved and cared about that coffee cup you use in your daily ritual, that there is a human behind that pot or vase, someone who considered how the glaze might react or how the handle might feel.

Pottery has taught me a lot about patience, resilience, and grit. But mostly, pottery has taught me to notice how we connect with each other; how our lives overlap and weave together, even in the smallest ways.

 

In Beauty Refresher, Creativity Tags mudtown pottery, Beauty Refresher, artists, potter, Beth Smith
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